FortyFive
by Lady-in-Waiting Kat
Summary: This is an AU song fic based on Shinedown's 45. I would recommend reading Innocent Eyes first though...


Disclaimer: The characters all belong to Fox network or who ever owns Dark Angel now. The song is by Shinedown and so belongs to them. None of it's mine in short.

Warning: Some content is not suitable for sensitive viewers.

A/N: This is an accompaniment to one of my other stories called Innocent Eyes. I suggest that you read that one first. If you don't feel like doing that then here's the background. Alec got Max pregnant and she's decided to keep the baby but then Berrisford Agenda begins and to try and push Max away he starts hanging out with Asha.

Forty-five

_Send away for a priceless gift_

_One not subtle, one not on the list_

_Send away for a perfect world_

_One not simply so absurd_

_In these times of doing what you're told_

_Keep these feelings, no one knows_

Alec looked darkly into the cracked mirror his face distorted by the many fractures in the reflective glass. Slowly he closed his eyes as he tried to imagine what it was he wanted, what there was to really look forward to in life.

Sighing heavily he tossed his head back, his heavy bangs spilling out of his eyes as they snapped open. What was there? Max? No… even if she understood why would she take him back. He was a fup. It didn't matter that he had been trying to protect her, him from his past, their past… the one that she had run from before she knew why she was really running. The X5 groaned his hands sliding over the slick surface of the porcelain skin.

_What ever happened to the young man's heart_

_Swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart_

He could still see her eyes when he told her why he was there. The pain had torn at him, ripped him to shreds. Shuttering at the long suppressed memories he pushed away from the grimy sink back to the opposite wall. Like a wet cloth clinging to a slick surface the young man slipped down the hard water-stained bolster tears clogging his eyes as he finally meet the floor with a hard thud.

How had he let her go? Them go..? The two of them, so alike yet so different. _Rachel,_ with her dark laughing eyes and her rebellious attitude, she was so young so alive so different form everything they had taught them to be. And now _Max_, her eyes dark with something else, they had depth to them and she wore her attitude like a shield. Behind it she would be safe from anything… or at least that's what she wanted people to think. Oh god, if there is a god for them, her eyes. Their eyes, both Rachel's and Max's.

_And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45)_

_Swimming through the ashes of another like (another life)_

_No real reason to accept the way things have changed_

_Staring down the barrel of a .45_

Sniffling the X5 looked up towards the top of the sink. On the edge, balanced carefully as not to fall, the barrel of a .45 gleamed in the light. It would all be so much better for them if he wasn't around any more. OC would take care of Max and… she'd take care of them. And Rachel… it had been a long time, a whole world ago. She'd have forgotten him he was sure. Desolately he reached up, his fingers closing lightly around the oiled surface and for the thousandth time he marveled at the cold, heavy feel of it. It would only take seconds and then everything would be ok.

Shuddering he pulled the sleek gun down to look at it more closely.

_Send a message to the unborn child_

_Keep your eyes open for a while_

_In a box high upon a shelf_

_Left for you, no one else_

_There's a piece of a puzzle known as life_

_Wrapped in guilt, sewn up tight_

_What ever happened to the young man's heart_

_Swallowed my pain as he slowly fell apart_

Again his eyes closed as his breath came in ragged gulps each shuttering in and out past his quivering lips. Upon his cheeks glittering ovals wet the pale skin as the dirty-blond X5 pictured a neatly trimmed present he had left behind. It was sitting in _father's house_ in a dark corner of the basement on top of the piano. Somehow the thought of it there calmed him a little. His breaths began to normalize, his heartbeat to slow down. The thought of leaving the child behind before even getting to see it unsettled him but at least he had left a clue behind for it. What ever it is…

Now almost calm he opened his eyes again to look at the gun once more.

_And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45)_

_Swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)_

_No real reason to accept the way things have changed_

_Staring down the barrel of a .45_

_Everyone's pointing their fingers_

_Always condemning me_

_Nobody knows what I believe_

_I believe_

It would be the easiest way out. Quick, painless… or at least it should be. It would all be over. Max's tears mingled with Rachel's in his mind, OC's harsh looks and Ashas' drunken confessions overlaid with Logan's eyes. He couldn't tell any of them. He couldn't make any of it right, he might as well do it.

Shaking slightly Alec raised the gun upwards and slowly turned it towards him. In a final decisive moment he swallowed hard and pushed all his emotions aside. There was no room for them any more.

_And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45) _

_Swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)_

_No real reason to accept the way things have changed_

_Staring down the barrel of a .45_

He pressed the cold steel to his lips. A kiss of death his mind thought ironically as he fought back hysterical laughter. There was no point in delaying it. Inching precariously forward his finger made its way around the barrel to the trigger. Only a few seconds remained. Alec drew in a deep breath, surprisingly calm breath.

_And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45 (.45)_

_And I'm swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)_

_No real reason to accept the way things have changed_

_Staring down the barrel of a .45_

"Alec?" As if from far away her voice swam up to still his fingers. Fresh tears welled up in his eyes as he lowered the gun. Robotically he laid the gleaming object on the floor beside him. Lightening quick he withdrew his hand.

"Alec?" The voice came again, closer this time.

"In here," he replied his voice shaky and his hands gripping one another tightly. He could hear her foot steps on the hard floor as she walked purposefully towards him. What had he been thinking? How could he have thought suicide to be the answer? He didn't even hear her come in.

"Oh my god, Alec!" She cried her voice betraying her shock mingled with fear. It didn't matter if he'd slept with Asha or anyone else she decided as she threw herself down at his side. "Oh. Alec," and just like that she had him cradled in her arms her face buried in his messy hair. "How could you…" she choked, "I love you."

A/N: Let me know what you think!


End file.
